Herbal Health

In American culture, we have a myth that sexuality is only related to procreation. According to this myth, once our reproductive years are over, we are no longer sexual people. Many people mistakenly believe that it is unacceptable for older people to have sexual needs or to express themselves sexually. The truth is that we all remain sexual throughout our lives, even in old age.

There are two basic requirements for maintaining healthy sexual capacity in old age. The first is maintaining good physical and mental health. The second is to keep having regular sexual activity. “Use it or lose it” still applies to women and men in the later years of life. The more sexually active that people remain in their later years, the healthier and more enjoyable their sexual activities become.

In the later years of life, well-established relationships may evolve and blossom into more intimate relationships. For older adults, love relationships may slowly transform from passionate love into deep and intimate companionate love. On the other hand, old friendships may become romantic and sexual. Opportunities for sexual expression may decrease or increase. But the quality of sexual activity may become more important than the quantity.

As with our entire sexual journey, there are physical changes that affect the sex lives of older women and men. Understanding these changes can reduce performance anxiety and the feeling that one has become useless and unattractive.

Women go through specific physical changes that affect their sexuality. After menopause, the vaginal walls become thinner, a process that continues into the senior years. The thinner walls can’t absorb the pressure from a thrusting penis as well as they could in youth. This pressure on the vaginal walls is also pressure on the urethra and bladder. These tissues can become irritated. As a result, older women may feel the need to urinate immediately after sexual intercourse.

The vagina also shrinks in width and length. The labia majora also shrink. Because of the smaller size, insertion of the penis may be difficult or painful. Women also continue to experience hormonal imbalances in their later years. These imbalances may cause the natural uterine contractions that occur during orgasm to become painful. It is important to remember, however, that a woman in her 80s has the same capacity for orgasm that she did at 30.

Physical changes affect men as well. Good circulation is essential to getting an erection, but with old age, there is usually a hardening of the arteries. This change in circulation may make it take longer to become erect. In addition, older men experience fewer morning erections. There is also a longer refractory period after orgasm for men.

When we reach midlife, our lives are about half over. We have come a long way from our childhood years. Many people mistakenly think that after they get married or live with someone for many years, life will get boring. This does not have to be true. Our sexuality does not stop growing, changing, or being expressed just because we are older than 29! Our middle adult years are a new and exciting leg of our sexual journey through life. Midlife, or middle age, is generally considered to range from 40 years to 55 years old. The two biggest myths surrounding our midlife sexuality are (1) older people are no longer interested in sex and don’t have sex anymore, and (2) older people are unable to enjoy sex.

We will explore the physical changes that accompany middle age. We will also look at some of the concerns of our midlife years. Our sexual desires are no longer as exclusively focused on the attributes of youth and attractiveness as they were when we were younger. We become more concerned with our potential partners’ sense of themselves. Self-worth begins to matter more than physical appearance.

At this time of life, we reach a stage in which our bodies change in ways that may be unexpected and dramatic. This stage of change is called the climacteric. The climacteric marks the physiological changes that occur in our transition into midlife. Both women and men go through a climacteric. It is a more definitive stage for women because they pass through a transition from being fertile to infertile. Men do not experience this transition. Men are fertile until death. Women experience greater physical changes in their middle life. The changes for men are less noticeable and cause fewer side effects.

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Women and men who have gender identities and sexual orientations that differ from social norms have long-term and committed relationships despite the social constraints against them. The accomplishments, problems, and decisions that these people make within relationships are similar to the ones made by straight women and men who fit the social norms.

Gay and straight couples experience the same frequency of sex, talk about who initiates sex, and decide whether or not to have children. They are equally satisfied with their relationships.

Many gay people live their sexual orientation in a hidden way. The common expression is “in the closet.” They keep their sexual orientation a secret out of fear of losing loved ones, housing, or a job. Increasing numbers of gay people and those perceived to be are more overt about their sexual orientation. They live their lives out in the open and are “out” to others. Some people feel safe being out to only some of the people in their lives—to coworkers, but not family, for example. Others feel safe being out to all the people in their lives.

Questions about Myself

1. Have I thought enough about myself and my sexuality to know that I am ready to have sex?

2. Am I prepared to protect myself or my partner against unintended pregnancy?

3. Am I prepared to deal with an unintended pregnancy if it happens?

4. Am I prepared to protect myself and my partner against sexually transmitted infections?

Questions about My Relationship

1. Do we feel comfortable talking with one another about sex?

2. Do we both agree that we are ready and want to have sex?

3. Are we committed to protecting one another physically and emotionally?

4. Are we using sex to hold our relationship together?

Questions about My Parents

1. Do I ever talk about sex with my parents?

2. Do I understand my parents’ values about sex, and do I share them?

3. Will I be able to talk with my parents about my decision? If I

can’t, how would it feel if I lied to them?

4. Am I planning to have sex to hurt, anger, or spite my parents?

Questions about My Friends

1. Are my friends pressuring me to have sex?

2. Would I be considered “not cool” if my decision about sex isn’t the same as theirs?

3. Do I become tempted to have sex when I get drunk or high with my friends?

4. How much does it matter what my friends think?

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Most children are not aware of their sexual orientation until they become teenagers. Most assume that they are straight. They strive to be what they think is considered feminine or masculine in their culture. They expect to have partners of the other gender when they grow up. They base their expectations on what they observe in their families, their communities, and the images that are presented in the media.

Some children, however, find that they feel somehow different from other children. They may not be able to express how or why they feel different. Later in life, when they are older, they may come to understand what made them feel different. They may have sensed that they didn’t quite fit the gender roles and sexual identities they felt were assigned to them. This insight often happens when young people discover that they are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender.

Parents cannot predict if a child will conform to cultural and sexual norms regarding gender identity. They have no way of knowing which, if any, of their children will grow up to be lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender. Neither do their children. That’s why it is especially important for parents to allow their children to begin their sexual journey through life without feeling pressured to be feminine or masculine or gay or straight.

Children who experience their sexuality differently from cultural norms may have the impression that their families will not accept their true sexual identities and can have a very hard time growing up. They are much more susceptible than other children to depression. They make more suicide attempts and are at higher risk for using alcohol and other drugs. They are also more likely to leave their homes at early ages and to engage in high risk sex practices in order to survive on the streets.