Herbal Health

We call these transferences because they contain—as indeed in one or another way all relationships do—an element of displacement; each member of a narcissistic coupling transfers onto the present relationship a quality of relating that existed in a primary relationship during early childhood. Thus, a boy who idealized his narcissistic mother will seek out a narcissistic wife, whom he will also idealize and in whose glow he will also bask. A girl who enjoyed a twinship relationship with her father, or perhaps with a brother, will seek out a similar relationship with a spouse.

The problem here is that if we are in a narcissistic relationship, whether twinship or idealizing, we do not truly bond with the other, but instead ally with an object who represents our ideal image of ourselves projected onto or mirrored by another person. Hence we never separate from the other (or from our parents) to form our own wholely independent self, and continually need to bolster our self-esteem in this way. Narcissists do not ask what they can do for others, but what others can do for them.

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Actually, there are no hysterical couples. There are hysterical people, and such people tend to dominate their partners through their hysteria. Hence, they make their relationships hysterical.

Hysterics are generally women, although in some cases they are men who have a strong identification with a hysterical parent. Such people tend to be emotional and unreasonable—particularly about sex. Hysterics think that sex is dirty, disgusting, exploitative, and an invasion, even when it involves their spouse, the one who is presumably the love of their life. They will defend against these feelings in several ways: by controlling the sexual act to such an extent that they psychologically castrate their mate; by rejecting their spouses’s advances entirely; or by keeping the negative feelings repressed and developing a reaction formation—that is, becoming obsessed with sex.

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The dialogue may go on like this for a while. At first the couple may be inhibited about playing each other, unable to get out of themselves. But if they keep at it, they will find themselves enjoying exaggerating each other’s defensive postures, and they will also benefit from seeing their own behavior exaggerated by the other. What often happens is the dialogue becomes more and more exaggerated until one of them exclaims in surprise or anger, “I don’t act like that!” This leads to a discussion.

Another level of this game occurs when the couple practices role reversal during intercourse. If the man is usually on top, ejaculates prematurely, and tends never to look in the woman’s eyes, then the woman now plays out that role—getting on top, refusing to look in the husband’s eyes, pretending to reach orgasm quickly, and then dismounting and turning away (to meditate). And if the woman is usually on the bottom, takes a long time to reach orgasm, and does not gaze into the man’s eyes, the man now plays her that way. And so on. This again leads to such exclamations as, “I don’t act like that!”

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“Come, my lady,” he says. He escorts her into the bathroom, where he has prepared a bubble bath. He undresses her and helps her into the tub, then fetches her a glass of champagne. As she sips the champagne, he gently bathes her, taking special care as he washes her private parts. Looking car-ingly into her eyes, he then invites an unexpected pleasure: “Would you like your hair shampooed, my lady?”

“Yes, please.”

He shampoos and rinses her hair, after which he intones, “Now, just lie back a while and relax. I have to check the dinner.” He returns in a few minutes and helps her out of the tub, dries her with a towel, blow-dries her hair, and then hands her a package containing a new silk robe, saying, “I think my lady will be more comfortable in this.” He helps her on with the robe, standing behind her, kissing the back of her neck as he does so. “Sorry, my lady, I forgot myself for a moment.” He puts her crown back on and leads her by the hand to the dining table and properly seats her. “More champagne?”

“Yes, please.”

He pours another glass and brings out the oysters and salad. As they eat, he asks, “How was your day, my lady?” “My day?”

“Yes. Please tell me everything.”

“You don’t want to know.”

“Yes—I want to know everything.”

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As goes sex, so goes the relationship—that is the premise of this book. If two would-be lovers are blocked in the sexual sphere, they will be blocked in other spheres as well. If they are unable to achieve authentic sexual bonding, they will be unable to truly bond with themselves or with others. Their social, professional, and parental lives will all suffer. Most important, their relationship with themselves will also suffer.

Hence, if there is any one avenue that can be crucial to restoring love and tenderness to a marriage, as well as authenticity and meaning to one’s life, it is the sexual avenue. Other methods may serve the same purpose, but sex seems to be the most direct route.

There are some truisms about sexuality that bear repeating. Sexuality, quite obviously, is much more than the mere act of copulation. It is nature’s way of ensuring the continuation of the human species, and, as such, it is the grandest act of all, with many layers of meaning. Any sex is better than no sex, but at its most mature and deepest level, sex brings about the most profound kind of intimacy and bonding. It forces us to confront and resolve our most stubborn barriers to intimacy— barriers to both ourselves and others. If we can truly relate to even one other person, we can then relate to ourselves and to all others also.

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