Herbal Health

Eat regularly. Not eating three proper meals a day can result in very real problems with sugar imbalance generally, which can affect the brain quite markedly. The brain needs good quality, consistent levels of sugar to function – not hits of sugar irregularly via coffee loaded with two to three teaspoons of sugar; or alcohol; or a block of chocolate in place of a regular meal. Good quality simple carbohydrates, from fresh fruits and fresh juices, and complex carbohydrates, from grains such as rice, couscous, grainy breads and steamed mixed vegetables, are essential for brain power.
Exercise regularly. Exercise improves oxygen levels in the brain by increasing the supply of oxygenated blood, and increases the levels of serotonin, the feel-good hormone that prevents depression and keeps you inspired. An hour’s exercise daily is essential to good health. Some of that hour must be devoted to an aerobic form of activity that raises your pulse rate. This could be in the form of a four to five kilometre walk daily, swimming, bike riding, aerobic gym work or rowing.
Make an effort to try new things. Brain cells need continual challenges and mind games. The brain needs exercise like all muscles and cells of our body. Try new brain challenges such as puzzles or word games, or study something completely new and different. For example, if you love languages then try studying something unrelated such as history or wildlife; or even something aesthetically interesting like colours or design; try mathematical studies if you don’t have a head for figures. Take up flying or engineering or anything that changes your outlook and broadens your knowledge. Remember the process of using the brain is more important than the outcome – so you do not have to give yourself a hard time if you are not a famous pianist, painter or mathematician by 80!
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A complete appreciation of our sexuality cannot be achieved without an awareness of what our bodies look like and how our genitals function. While this statement may seem to be an obvious one, the unfortunate truth is that few of us are encouraged to explore our bodies in general, and we thus remain sadly ignorant of genital characteristics in particular.
This hands-off attitude, so to speak, can typically be traced back to our childhood. Whereas parents will readily discuss the digestive and respiratory systems, for example, in a straightforward manner, discussion of sexual functions, if it occurs at all, is usually oblique and euphemistic. What is communicated to the child, under these circumstances, is a negative perspective that suppresses curiosity and promotes embarrassment rather than healthy self-exploration. Small wonder then that many adults find it difficult to examine their genitals, even for ordinary health and sanitary reasons. Moreover, the secretiveness, shame, and guilt associated with these early experiences causes many people to regard their sex organs as ugly, rather than as a natural and acceptable part of their anatomy.
Sometimes ignorance of our genitals can lead to both physical and sexual problems. Certain disease processes start with detectable changes in the breast or genitals, but an aversion to checking those body parts may result in symptoms progressing to serious stages. A lack of understanding of how our bodies respond sexually can lead to inappropriate expectations and thus hinder sexual expression. Sex therapists, for example, report that a considerable percentage of the problems presented to them are the result of their clients’ lack of relevant information or education.
Not only does the lack of suitable education at home and in the schools, coupled with misinformation gathered from peers, foster our ignorance, but also the current attitudes toward sexuality in our culture work to further our misunderstandings. These attitudes create for us a paradox: on the one hand, we are bombarded, through advertising and through the media in general, with sexual imagery; on the other hand, the “official” cultural taboo undercuts our ability to deal with and speak about sexual matters in open, healthy, positive ways.
In order to accept the implications of our sexuality — an awareness of our values, a sense of responsibility for ourselves and others, an ability to take pleasure in our bodies, and an acceptance of and confidence in our own sexuality — we need to have a foundation of basic knowledge.
In this chapter, therefore, we will discuss the anatomy, both female and male, relevant to human sexuality and the process of sexual response.
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TEETH GRINDING: GIVE YOUR JAW A REST
In movies, in sports, in the barroom, it is the stereotypical action of the hard, angry man. In real life it is either a foolish habit of nervous men or an innocent nocturnal problem. Either way, it’s no good for you.
We’re talking about clenching the jaw and grinding the teeth—dentists call it bruxism. Most bruxing takes place when we’re fast asleep. For that reason many teeth grinders aren’t even aware they have the habit unless their mate or their dentist tells them about it.
Researchers believe that bruxism is an inherited behavior—if your mom or dad is a bruxer, chances are you will be, too. Stress, however, is the trigger that sets the habit in motion. “Often these people are working two or three jobs and faced with significant life challenges,” says John D. Rugh, Ph.D., professor of orthodontics at the University of Texas Health Science Center in San Antonio. “They’re really pushing hard.”
Serious teeth grinders can damage fillings or grind right through a tooth’s outer coating of enamel. That exposes the softer inner part of the tooth, causing the nerve to die. Clenchers are more apt to strain their jaw muscles, causing facial pain, headaches or, some dentists believe, dislocation of the jaw joint.
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We call these transferences because they contain—as indeed in one or another way all relationships do—an element of displacement; each member of a narcissistic coupling transfers onto the present relationship a quality of relating that existed in a primary relationship during early childhood. Thus, a boy who idealized his narcissistic mother will seek out a narcissistic wife, whom he will also idealize and in whose glow he will also bask. A girl who enjoyed a twinship relationship with her father, or perhaps with a brother, will seek out a similar relationship with a spouse.

The problem here is that if we are in a narcissistic relationship, whether twinship or idealizing, we do not truly bond with the other, but instead ally with an object who represents our ideal image of ourselves projected onto or mirrored by another person. Hence we never separate from the other (or from our parents) to form our own wholely independent self, and continually need to bolster our self-esteem in this way. Narcissists do not ask what they can do for others, but what others can do for them.

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Actually, there are no hysterical couples. There are hysterical people, and such people tend to dominate their partners through their hysteria. Hence, they make their relationships hysterical.

Hysterics are generally women, although in some cases they are men who have a strong identification with a hysterical parent. Such people tend to be emotional and unreasonable—particularly about sex. Hysterics think that sex is dirty, disgusting, exploitative, and an invasion, even when it involves their spouse, the one who is presumably the love of their life. They will defend against these feelings in several ways: by controlling the sexual act to such an extent that they psychologically castrate their mate; by rejecting their spouses’s advances entirely; or by keeping the negative feelings repressed and developing a reaction formation—that is, becoming obsessed with sex.

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The dialogue may go on like this for a while. At first the couple may be inhibited about playing each other, unable to get out of themselves. But if they keep at it, they will find themselves enjoying exaggerating each other’s defensive postures, and they will also benefit from seeing their own behavior exaggerated by the other. What often happens is the dialogue becomes more and more exaggerated until one of them exclaims in surprise or anger, “I don’t act like that!” This leads to a discussion.

Another level of this game occurs when the couple practices role reversal during intercourse. If the man is usually on top, ejaculates prematurely, and tends never to look in the woman’s eyes, then the woman now plays out that role—getting on top, refusing to look in the husband’s eyes, pretending to reach orgasm quickly, and then dismounting and turning away (to meditate). And if the woman is usually on the bottom, takes a long time to reach orgasm, and does not gaze into the man’s eyes, the man now plays her that way. And so on. This again leads to such exclamations as, “I don’t act like that!”

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“Come, my lady,” he says. He escorts her into the bathroom, where he has prepared a bubble bath. He undresses her and helps her into the tub, then fetches her a glass of champagne. As she sips the champagne, he gently bathes her, taking special care as he washes her private parts. Looking car-ingly into her eyes, he then invites an unexpected pleasure: “Would you like your hair shampooed, my lady?”

“Yes, please.”

He shampoos and rinses her hair, after which he intones, “Now, just lie back a while and relax. I have to check the dinner.” He returns in a few minutes and helps her out of the tub, dries her with a towel, blow-dries her hair, and then hands her a package containing a new silk robe, saying, “I think my lady will be more comfortable in this.” He helps her on with the robe, standing behind her, kissing the back of her neck as he does so. “Sorry, my lady, I forgot myself for a moment.” He puts her crown back on and leads her by the hand to the dining table and properly seats her. “More champagne?”

“Yes, please.”

He pours another glass and brings out the oysters and salad. As they eat, he asks, “How was your day, my lady?” “My day?”

“Yes. Please tell me everything.”

“You don’t want to know.”

“Yes—I want to know everything.”

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As goes sex, so goes the relationship—that is the premise of this book. If two would-be lovers are blocked in the sexual sphere, they will be blocked in other spheres as well. If they are unable to achieve authentic sexual bonding, they will be unable to truly bond with themselves or with others. Their social, professional, and parental lives will all suffer. Most important, their relationship with themselves will also suffer.

Hence, if there is any one avenue that can be crucial to restoring love and tenderness to a marriage, as well as authenticity and meaning to one’s life, it is the sexual avenue. Other methods may serve the same purpose, but sex seems to be the most direct route.

There are some truisms about sexuality that bear repeating. Sexuality, quite obviously, is much more than the mere act of copulation. It is nature’s way of ensuring the continuation of the human species, and, as such, it is the grandest act of all, with many layers of meaning. Any sex is better than no sex, but at its most mature and deepest level, sex brings about the most profound kind of intimacy and bonding. It forces us to confront and resolve our most stubborn barriers to intimacy— barriers to both ourselves and others. If we can truly relate to even one other person, we can then relate to ourselves and to all others also.

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Some individuals misuse intercourse, or rather, copulation. Some men, for example, whether married or unmarried, seek sex with almost any woman, to prove their virility, attractiveness, potency, or to boost their ego. Thus, a company director, might, after a boardroom row in which he felt beaten by the other directors, seek intercourse with any woman in order to restore his

self-esteem. This enables him to function again. A woman prone to depression may seek to ward it off by attracting a man into intercourse, or one with lesbian anxieties may try to prove to herself she is heterosexual by constantly seducing men. Yet other individuals remain fixed in permanent adolescence and do not emotionally mature – their capacity for love is impaired in some way.

Most people, unlike these, are by early adulthood seeking more than just sex in relationships. They genuinely want to love and be loved. The reduction in their obsession with genitality alone may be accompanied by the thought that virtually any penis will go into any vagina so it cannot be all that special. This realisation is a justification for the acquisition of sexual experience and a protection against inappropriate marriage based only on sexual desire and availability.

Of course, all attractions are initially sexual attractions, however unconsciously, but with increasing maturity something more is required and flirtation now is not so much aimed at seduction but at establishing real contact with the individual underneath. Hopefully, with increasing experience, more accurate assessments of the real personality can be made and compatability judged. Personality features, communication, and a capacity for shared happiness become more important than just the physical features mentioned in the last chapter. Hopefully too, romanticism will be kept in the background so as not to obscure the situation. In fact even a degree of scepticism can be healthy. In this way the old adage ‘marry in haste and repent at leisure’ can be proven wrong. The great lesson to learn is that man-woman relationships are between personalities, not between genitals. A good relationship can survive nearly all problems, including genital ones. Happy and unfettered genital expression within the relationship is a considerable assistance but in the last analysis, apart from its reproductive aspect, it is icing on the cake — not the cake itself. Happy sex, if only for a short spell, is possible with many members of the opposite sex but an enduring, happy relationship is possible with far fewer.

So choice and selection based mainly on personality is one secret of success but even if we have learned to be good at selection how much choice do we really have and on what basis should we, or do we, make it?

Some people still regard their choice as very restricted and talk of the one-in-a-million partner, Mr Right (or Miss Right). One expert took the other extreme view when he claimed that 75 per cent of the men and women in the population were good all-purpose spouses and could marry any other and make it work. There is a particle of truth in both views but if the aim is to encourage happy, fulfilling relationships neither is more than part of the answer.

The first problem is how to meet people. Nearly 60 years ago an American researcher found that of 5,000 couples in Philadelphia 17 per cent married someone who lived within one block of each other and almost a third married someone within four blocks. Only a fifth had lived in different cities. Although people travel more widely now, this tendency to marry someone local is still with us. Most people do not look far and still tend to marry individuals they meet at work or in their major leisure pursuit. Apart from explaining the local effect it could be argued that our choice of work and play to some extent reflects our personalities so we are more likely to meet people similar to ourselves there. Two practical points emerge. First, clubs, pubs, discos and such places are not particularly good places to search for a long-term partner, and second, the selection of social recreations in which both sexes indulge, such as tennis, sailing, climbing, dramatics, music etc, and which facilitate an expression of one’s personality are likely to be more fruitful. A further point is that men and women who see each other regularly have a tendency to come to like each other.

With these considerations in mind it can easily be seen that choice is wider for the young, if only because the majority of their peers are unmarried, than it is for older individuals. To maximise choice it is sensible for older people to use bureaux and advertise or respond to advertisements either in the local press, specialist magazines reflecting their interests or, in specialist singles magazines. The notion that such courses of action are ‘infra-dig’ because T should be sufficiently attractive to find a partner myself are self-defeating because the aim is to increase your choice, not simply to find a partner.

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Many of us have been brought up to believe that the ‘ideal’ relationship starts with a glance across a crowded room. The eyes meet, it’s love, and the couple live happily ever after. This can in fact occur, depending on how one defines ‘love’, because we can train ourselves to make up our minds about people on the slimmest of information. Almost all of us stereotype people and, using the flimsiest of information, make instant judgements about their personalities and characters. We meet many people in everyday life and we cannot get to know them all in depth. We therefore have to use some kind of quick sorting method.

Unfortunately, stereotypes can be harmful and can make us miss a good opportunity to get to know someone. This is especially true when it comes to occupations. Some men assume that women in certain occupations or jobs are promiscuous, so that the large numbers who are not either have to act up to their image or wait for a man who does not believe the stereotype and finds the woman attractive in herself. We have all heard that ‘gentlemen prefer blondes’ but in fact dark men seem to prefer brunettes and blond men’s preferences spread equally between blondes and brunettes. The majority of young women say they prefer dark men, with the exception of artificial blondes, who, according to one survey, do not care what colour hair a man has.

Once over our visual stereotypes we start judging people on their personalities. We tend to believe that people who get on well with others are intrinsically more attractive (or whatever we feel is important in life). In this way we link personal attributes to each other so as to build up a comfortable picture we think we can live with. So we arrive at suppositions such as ‘a man who is this kind to children must also be . . .’ Add to this a list of personal theories about people from past acquaintance (I once went out with a girl with long fingernails and she was awful, so this one with long fingernails probably will be too), and the field of choice one gives oneself soon begins to narrow. Some studies have shown that certain men assess women according to how similar or dissimilar they are to their own mothers.

Our reliance on judgements based on stereotypes can have unfortunate negative effects because we tend to behave in a way which fulfils our prophecies (and we all like that to happen). Studies have found, for example, that lovely clothes enhance women’s social and sexual status. Even other women imagine well-dressed women to be more passionate, free, romantic, thrilling, approachable, adventurous, flirtatious and sexy than unfashionably dressed women. Media advertisements showing women in glamorous settings with attractive men, confirm their view. One survey found that wearers of fashionable clothes were thought to have different dating patterns, sexual morals, and smoking and drinking patterns. But this can mean that unfashionable or unattractive women can find it very difficult to behave sexily, adventurously, romantically and so on simply because the rest of us do not see them in that sort of role. So the unattractive and the unfashionably dressed are not encouraged to behave in these ways, and so they do not, which is then seen as proving that they are all the things they are generally held to be. This sort of self-fulfilling prophecy approach kills off perfectly possible partners at the starting post before we really know what they are like.

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