The problem here is that if we are in a narcissistic relationship, whether twinship or idealizing, we do not truly bond with the other, but instead ally with an object who represents our ideal image of ourselves projected onto or mirrored by another person. Hence we never separate from the other (or from our parents) to form our own wholely independent self, and continually need to bolster our self-esteem in this way. Narcissists do not ask what they can do for others, but what others can do for them.

*106/196/1*

Hysterics are generally women, although in some cases they are men who have a strong identification with a hysterical parent. Such people tend to be emotional and unreasonable—particularly about sex. Hysterics think that sex is dirty, disgusting, exploitative, and an invasion, even when it involves their spouse, the one who is presumably the love of their life. They will defend against these feelings in several ways: by controlling the sexual act to such an extent that they psychologically castrate their mate; by rejecting their spouses’s advances entirely; or by keeping the negative feelings repressed and developing a reaction formation—that is, becoming obsessed with sex.

*81/196/1*

Another level of this game occurs when the couple practices role reversal during intercourse. If the man is usually on top, ejaculates prematurely, and tends never to look in the woman’s eyes, then the woman now plays out that role—getting on top, refusing to look in the husband’s eyes, pretending to reach orgasm quickly, and then dismounting and turning away (to meditate). And if the woman is usually on the bottom, takes a long time to reach orgasm, and does not gaze into the man’s eyes, the man now plays her that way. And so on. This again leads to such exclamations as, “I don’t act like that!”

*56/196/1*

“Yes, please.”

He shampoos and rinses her hair, after which he intones, “Now, just lie back a while and relax. I have to check the dinner.” He returns in a few minutes and helps her out of the tub, dries her with a towel, blow-dries her hair, and then hands her a package containing a new silk robe, saying, “I think my lady will be more comfortable in this.” He helps her on with the robe, standing behind her, kissing the back of her neck as he does so. “Sorry, my lady, I forgot myself for a moment.” He puts her crown back on and leads her by the hand to the dining table and properly seats her. “More champagne?”

“Yes, please.”

He pours another glass and brings out the oysters and salad. As they eat, he asks, “How was your day, my lady?” “My day?”

“Yes. Please tell me everything.”

“You don’t want to know.”

“Yes—I want to know everything.”

*31/196/1*

Hence, if there is any one avenue that can be crucial to restoring love and tenderness to a marriage, as well as authenticity and meaning to one’s life, it is the sexual avenue. Other methods may serve the same purpose, but sex seems to be the most direct route.

There are some truisms about sexuality that bear repeating. Sexuality, quite obviously, is much more than the mere act of copulation. It is nature’s way of ensuring the continuation of the human species, and, as such, it is the grandest act of all, with many layers of meaning. Any sex is better than no sex, but at its most mature and deepest level, sex brings about the most profound kind of intimacy and bonding. It forces us to confront and resolve our most stubborn barriers to intimacy— barriers to both ourselves and others. If we can truly relate to even one other person, we can then relate to ourselves and to all others also.

*6/196/1*

self-esteem. This enables him to function again. A woman prone to depression may seek to ward it off by attracting a man into intercourse, or one with lesbian anxieties may try to prove to herself she is heterosexual by constantly seducing men. Yet other individuals remain fixed in permanent adolescence and do not emotionally mature – their capacity for love is impaired in some way.

Most people, unlike these, are by early adulthood seeking more than just sex in relationships. They genuinely want to love and be loved. The reduction in their obsession with genitality alone may be accompanied by the thought that virtually any penis will go into any vagina so it cannot be all that special. This realisation is a justification for the acquisition of sexual experience and a protection against inappropriate marriage based only on sexual desire and availability.

Of course, all attractions are initially sexual attractions, however unconsciously, but with increasing maturity something more is required and flirtation now is not so much aimed at seduction but at establishing real contact with the individual underneath. Hopefully, with increasing experience, more accurate assessments of the real personality can be made and compatability judged. Personality features, communication, and a capacity for shared happiness become more important than just the physical features mentioned in the last chapter. Hopefully too, romanticism will be kept in the background so as not to obscure the situation. In fact even a degree of scepticism can be healthy. In this way the old adage ‘marry in haste and repent at leisure’ can be proven wrong. The great lesson to learn is that man-woman relationships are between personalities, not between genitals. A good relationship can survive nearly all problems, including genital ones. Happy and unfettered genital expression within the relationship is a considerable assistance but in the last analysis, apart from its reproductive aspect, it is icing on the cake — not the cake itself. Happy sex, if only for a short spell, is possible with many members of the opposite sex but an enduring, happy relationship is possible with far fewer.

So choice and selection based mainly on personality is one secret of success but even if we have learned to be good at selection how much choice do we really have and on what basis should we, or do we, make it?

Some people still regard their choice as very restricted and talk of the one-in-a-million partner, Mr Right (or Miss Right). One expert took the other extreme view when he claimed that 75 per cent of the men and women in the population were good all-purpose spouses and could marry any other and make it work. There is a particle of truth in both views but if the aim is to encourage happy, fulfilling relationships neither is more than part of the answer.

The first problem is how to meet people. Nearly 60 years ago an American researcher found that of 5,000 couples in Philadelphia 17 per cent married someone who lived within one block of each other and almost a third married someone within four blocks. Only a fifth had lived in different cities. Although people travel more widely now, this tendency to marry someone local is still with us. Most people do not look far and still tend to marry individuals they meet at work or in their major leisure pursuit. Apart from explaining the local effect it could be argued that our choice of work and play to some extent reflects our personalities so we are more likely to meet people similar to ourselves there. Two practical points emerge. First, clubs, pubs, discos and such places are not particularly good places to search for a long-term partner, and second, the selection of social recreations in which both sexes indulge, such as tennis, sailing, climbing, dramatics, music etc, and which facilitate an expression of one’s personality are likely to be more fruitful. A further point is that men and women who see each other regularly have a tendency to come to like each other.

With these considerations in mind it can easily be seen that choice is wider for the young, if only because the majority of their peers are unmarried, than it is for older individuals. To maximise choice it is sensible for older people to use bureaux and advertise or respond to advertisements either in the local press, specialist magazines reflecting their interests or, in specialist singles magazines. The notion that such courses of action are ‘infra-dig’ because T should be sufficiently attractive to find a partner myself are self-defeating because the aim is to increase your choice, not simply to find a partner.

*28\164\2*

Unfortunately, stereotypes can be harmful and can make us miss a good opportunity to get to know someone. This is especially true when it comes to occupations. Some men assume that women in certain occupations or jobs are promiscuous, so that the large numbers who are not either have to act up to their image or wait for a man who does not believe the stereotype and finds the woman attractive in herself. We have all heard that ‘gentlemen prefer blondes’ but in fact dark men seem to prefer brunettes and blond men’s preferences spread equally between blondes and brunettes. The majority of young women say they prefer dark men, with the exception of artificial blondes, who, according to one survey, do not care what colour hair a man has.

Once over our visual stereotypes we start judging people on their personalities. We tend to believe that people who get on well with others are intrinsically more attractive (or whatever we feel is important in life). In this way we link personal attributes to each other so as to build up a comfortable picture we think we can live with. So we arrive at suppositions such as ‘a man who is this kind to children must also be . . .’ Add to this a list of personal theories about people from past acquaintance (I once went out with a girl with long fingernails and she was awful, so this one with long fingernails probably will be too), and the field of choice one gives oneself soon begins to narrow. Some studies have shown that certain men assess women according to how similar or dissimilar they are to their own mothers.

Our reliance on judgements based on stereotypes can have unfortunate negative effects because we tend to behave in a way which fulfils our prophecies (and we all like that to happen). Studies have found, for example, that lovely clothes enhance women’s social and sexual status. Even other women imagine well-dressed women to be more passionate, free, romantic, thrilling, approachable, adventurous, flirtatious and sexy than unfashionably dressed women. Media advertisements showing women in glamorous settings with attractive men, confirm their view. One survey found that wearers of fashionable clothes were thought to have different dating patterns, sexual morals, and smoking and drinking patterns. But this can mean that unfashionable or unattractive women can find it very difficult to behave sexily, adventurously, romantically and so on simply because the rest of us do not see them in that sort of role. So the unattractive and the unfashionably dressed are not encouraged to behave in these ways, and so they do not, which is then seen as proving that they are all the things they are generally held to be. This sort of self-fulfilling prophecy approach kills off perfectly possible partners at the starting post before we really know what they are like.

*23\164\2*

Independence from parents increases, although some late adolescents cling to their families or their families to them. As at all stages boys are given more freedom than are girls and usually still feel comfortable at home. Girls can be very conscious of their need to escape: into work away from home, into higher education, and even into marriage. When they do escape they often pass through a phase in which they want to reduce contact with home to a minimum whilst maintaining a friendly relationship.

Parental criticism or disappointment still hurts the late adolescent but most consult their parents about important decisions and sooner or later do accept their advice. Some parents are excellent at giving approval and support to late adolescents without interfering but others try to exert total control. The latter court the risk of open or covert rebellion or, if the child submits, of changing his (more frequently than her) future growth. Open rebellion can take the form of delinquency or, in girls, unsuitable relationships, a premarital pregnancy and so on. Covert rebellion is sometimes expressed in failure of one form or another. Late adolescents are not fully realistic about their parents, but the old idolisation of the parents that was present in childhood is usually overthrown in mid-adolescence. The emotional feelings withdrawn from the parents (and especially the opposite-sex parent) into the self by mid-adolescence are available in late adolescence for investing in significant relationships outside the family.

From mid-adolescence the child increasingly creates his or her own social life independent of his parents, but in late adolescence the emphasis is on opposite-sex relationships. Progressively throughout adolescence the individual becomes increasingly cynical about friendships and by late adolescence, in contrast with early adolescence, feels that the chances of finding a new, good friend are increasingly remote. At this stage many girls say they dislike other girls but boys still mainly function in same-sex groups of one kind or another. Boys often see a girlfriend only as someone with whom they share sexual, but few other, intimacies.

Emotional development along adult lines proceeds rapidly but in girls, on average, it occurs two or more years earlier than in boys of the same age. Girls are more ready to commit themselves to a relationship, perhaps partly motivated by guilt over their sexual activities and sometimes regard their boyfriend as being more committed to them than he really is. By the late teens some boys still look upon girls either as medals or as game to be tracked down. This is not so much the result of their insensitivity but rather reflects the more rapid progress of girls and poor education on sex and emotions for boys. Misunderstandings are rife and more girls think of themselves as being engaged, to a greater or lesser degree, than do boys. Suicidal gestures can be the result of the rejection which ensues. Although adults can be very impatient with such gestures it is important to remember that the girl is really saying that if she cannot be loved she does not even want to live.

Girls, much sooner than boys, can become preoccupied with thoughts of loving and being loved, and they may cry themselves to sleep thinking about it. Late adolescence can be a harrowing time for a girl and bouts of depression are common. At this stage some girls become more or less passive, being chosen rather than choosing. Older and even married men can seem very attractive, not only because of their resources and experience but because ultimately the girl knows there is little hope of an enduring relationship, so thoughts of ending the liaison distresses her less. Paradoxically, with older men she feels she is doing more of the choosing and is more in charge. As she becomes more self-confident her sights usually become set on men more of her own age.

Boys reach the same stage of emotional development later (at around twenty-three to twenty-five) than girls, but because women tend to marry men a few years older than themselves, most men do not have to experience rejection distress. This is not to say that boys have less anxiety than girls: it simply takes a different form and is more concerned with approaching girls and, eventually, with sexual performance fears. Some late-adolescent boys conceal their anxiety behind callow behaviour towards girls.

The average girl today first has intercourse around or before her sixteenth birthday, and probably more than 95 per cent of girls first have intercourse between the ages of fifteen and twenty, whereas the range amongst boys is much wider. Male virgins of twenty-three to twenty-five are not uncommon. As a result, many young women today have had several fairly intense relationships before they finally marry. If this helps them to deal better with sex and any guilty feelings and so frees them to choose a partner based on personality factors rather than being swayed by an obsession with genitality, then this is beneficial.

Although most earlier sex education has been too little and too late, there is an intense practical interest amongst late adolescents and young adults about the establishment and maintenance of relationships. Many really do want to know how to understand and please the opposite sex, and not just physically. They want to know if anything is wrong with them and if so how to correct it. Minor defects can be sources of agonising worry. In spite of being nearly adult they can easily be disorganised by anxiety and often need parental support.

Various strands of their previous development now begin to be knitted together, for good or ill, but change, even dramatic change, is still possible. Although what happens in childhood has immense consequences, it is not necessarily permanent. New attitudes, perspectives and insights are possible and late adolescence is the last chance before the relatively fixed attitudes of adulthood overtake the individual. A lot of preventive work can be undertaken with late adolescents, but the majority have no readily available service to help them, unless they are in extreme distress. As a result, maladaptive attitudes towards the self and others are carried forward into adulthood where they ultimately cause trouble either for the individual or those around him or her.

Like most people, late adolescents need success but, because they are at the starting-line of adult life, their needs are particularly great. Although some may seem self-assured and even arrogant, typically under-confidence and self-doubt are never far away. They are in a difficult situation because they are becoming increasingly aware of their need for a relationship with a member of the opposite sex. This is more than a genital need, although men reach their lifetime peak of sex drive during this period. This is before many of them have had intercourse.

*18\164\2*

Puberty is often thought of as starting at the same age in both sexes but there is little doubt that the changes occur earlier in girls. A boy’s adolescent spurt in height occurs, on average, two years after that of a girl, so for a time girls are, on average, taller than boys and may be stronger. This may partly contribute to the avoidance of girls by boys which characterises this stage. The unusually early onset of puberty is much commoner in girls than in boys and, when it occurs in boys, unlike girls, the cause is usually a disease or disorder. The late onset of puberty, in contrast, is of less medical concern in boys because perfectly normal boys may be late just as perfectly normal girls may be early.

*13\164\2*

In ancient Egypt, where the sexes were treated equally, the reverse was the case and the women often urinated standing and men crouching. Some experts in this field believe that female feelings of inferiority start at this point of child development because of the urination postures taught to girls. Certainly, for many adult women who are otherwise totally open about their sexual behaviour, urination can be a source of considerable embarrassment. Urination, too, seems to have an erotic significance for at least some women, some of whom can masturbate to orgasm by simulating their urethral opening or with the muscular efforts required to hold back their urine. Emotional upsets in later life can be psychosomatically expressed as disorders of urination by women, in whom urinary problems are vastly more common than in men.

It has been observed that little girls of about a year often laugh as they urinate and this has been attributed to the tickling sensation that urine causes in the vulva. If this is true, urination will serve further to draw a girl’s attention to the pleasurable sensations she can get from her vulva, whereas a boy is impressed more with his urinary stream and the actual performance of the act.

Either because they develop sooner than boys or because they are intrinsically more affection-dependent and want to please, or both, girls learn to control their bladders earlier than do boys and are also less prone to bed-wetting. The ability to feel shame develops around the age of one and a half years and many mothers use this to help their children gain control over their bowels, and bladder. Moral development starts with toilet training as it is the first time a baby’s parents control his or her bodily desires and pleasures to bring them into line with society’s accepted norms.

Once children have learned to control their bowel movements they have some power over their mothers, depending on whether they choose to perform or not, and many children use this power very effectively. The child’s bowel motions thus become the first gift he or she has to give or withhold. His or her motions, including their smell and appearance, can fascinate and excite the child.

Although a mother expresses delight as her child performs on the potty she nevertheless controls his or her interest in the result by saying it is ‘dirty’ or has ‘germs’ and flushes it away. Later, when the child is in full control of his or her bowels, he or she may play with or collect the motions and hide them away. Old people whose interest in sex has waned often return unwittingly to this anal stage and become preoccupied with their bowel functions, just like a developing child.

If the anal stage progresses well it is an impetus towards creativity and productivity but frustrations can, it is thought, lead to the character traits of obstinacy, stinginess, compulsiveness and over-orderliness. These are seen as a defence against a desire to return to the pleasures of the anal stage. Obsessionalism may be a more extreme defence. On the other hand frustrations may be expressed later as untidiness, disorderliness and even destructiveness. Anal pleasures may continue to be over-represented, relative to other pleasures, later in life, and some individuals require additional anal stimulation during masturbation or intercourse to get their best orgasms. Many prostitutes tell of how they are asked to insert a finger into the anus of a client experiencing ejaculatory difficulties. Some women claim to have orgasms only from anal intercourse and a persistence of anal eroticism is obviously a possible basis for some cases of receptive homosexuality.

Interest in the anus and anal area spills over to the buttocks at this stage. Adult fantasies about beating or being beaten on the buttocks may start here and may be reinforced by parents actually or playfully smacking or threatening to smack their child’s bottom. Prostitutes say many men like to be beaten before intercourse or even that being beaten is enough in itself to produce an orgasm and ejaculation. Some women too, say they enjoy being smacked on the bottom prior to intercourse. Perhaps they have been brought up to think that sex is so naughty that they can only get pleasure from it if they are punished first.

The anal stage, then, has many implications and probably the best advice to parents is to take potty training very gently, consistently and slowly, and to stop the potty training for a while if the child doesn’t seem ready.

*8\164\2*